CRAZY TALK

CRANKSPIRACY: YOUR MEMORIES ARE FALSE

Some time in the late 1980s, a wonder was released upon our land. An innovation the likes of which we had never seen before. A marvellous invention that promised untold pleasure, health, cleanliness, and time savings to boot. It would change our lives for ever.

That product was Pert 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.

The world rejoiced.

No longer did we have to shampoo and condition our hair separately. That’s right—one application of scented goop and our hair was both cleansed AND conditioned. Shower times were cut in half.

But I—I was wary of Pert’s promises of bouncy, manageable hair and mystified by our frenzied enthusiasm for the new “all plus and no fuss”. It was if we existed in a strange dream. For I knew—KNEW—we had seen this concept before.

Not decades ago or anything, I can only have been about 14 when Pert 2-in-1 stormed the world, but I was sure this revolutionary technology already existed. I was sure I had even used such products in my hair—maybe five years before Pert’s triumph—though I could not recall how bouncy and manageable my hair became.

Was I mistaken, or had Procter and Gamble [1] undertaken a massive, world-wide program of memory erasure?

Clearly the latter is the most likely of those two scenarios. But why—why did the manufacturers of Pert 2-in-1 seek to excise our hair-washing memories? Was it purely for monetary gain, to erase a successful competitor from human consciousness so they could steal their ideas? And if so, what happened to those 2-in-1 trailblazers? Did they become a ready source of stearic acid for Proctor and Gamble’s chemistry department? Or—did the memory wipe conceal an earlier and disastrous Pert formulation, one that perhaps caused mutation, gluten intolerance, vocal fry and/or even death? 

Nothing can be ruled out at this stage. I shall continue to research this dark mystery personally, as I cannot trust that our police departments are free from the influence of Big Hair. But the perpetrators of this mind-wipe must be brought to justice. I will keep readers abreast of any developments, unless I, too, am disappeared.

ALICE CANNON, MELBOURNE

  1.  The original manufacturers of Pert 2-in-1
Not even Pert 2-in-1 claims to cure 'eruptions on the head'. How has H Arnold's amazing preparation escaped the notice of global multinationals? [H. Arnold's Lime Juice and Glycerine], lithograph, 1876. State Library of Victoria, Victorian Patent Office Copyright Collection, accession no. H96.160/2244.

Not even Pert 2-in-1 claims to cure 'eruptions on the head'. How has H Arnold's amazing preparation escaped the notice of global multinationals? [H. Arnold's Lime Juice and Glycerine], lithograph, 1876. State Library of Victoria, Victorian Patent Office Copyright Collection, accession no. H96.160/2244.