wish lists

REPROACH

ON THE EIGHTEENTH DAY OF CRANKVENT... DADS UNFAIRLY MALIGNED

A correspondent to CRANK notes that everyone always refers snidely to the invariably poor jokes in Christmas crackers as "dad jokes". However, he also notes that the instant the blank Christmas list went up on his mother-in-law's fridge, one of his sisters-in-law would always write 'a new bum, my old one’s got a crack in it'. He suggests that people who deride dad jokes are obviously biased and further that it is clearly aunts who write Christmas cracker messages.

If you needed further evidence that aunts are responsible for Christmas cracker jokes look no further than the numerous illustrations of cats pulling crackers. Aunts = spinsters = crazy cat ladies = case closed. Yes yes alright so Louis Wain who drew this picture was a man what of it? [Picture stolen from someone's Pinterest page who in turn pinned it from someone's eBay listing]

If you needed further evidence that aunts are responsible for Christmas cracker jokes look no further than the numerous illustrations of cats pulling crackers. Aunts = spinsters = crazy cat ladies = case closed. Yes yes alright so Louis Wain who drew this picture was a man what of it? [Picture stolen from someone's Pinterest page who in turn pinned it from someone's eBay listing]

REPROACH

ON THE FIFTEENTH DAY OF CRANKVENT... BEGONE, DO-GOODERS

When I was six the thing I wanted most-in-all-the-world for Christmas was the Bedtime Care Bear. You know the one—the blue bear with a moon and star on his belly and half-closed eyes. At school, when given the opportunity to write a letter to Santa, I told him of my wish. But on Christmas morning there came the greatest disappointment of my childhood [1]: there was no Care Bear. The gut-wrenching let-down still haunts me today.

And hence my complaint. Of those irresponsible adults who encourage children to write letters to Santa in the name of “Festive Fun” and “Christmas Cheer” and send them off, without going through the proper postal channels. And by proper channels I mean the child’s parents. Who else is best suited to proofread their child’s list? Who else will make sure the writing is legible, the address is correct and the envelope appropriately stamped? Who else will make sure that express post will get it where it needs to go—to that one person who makes presents happen? Missing missives? Disappearing dispatches? Not on a parent’s watch.

These letter-writing do-gooders are setting other people’s children up for a disappointment—one that THEY will not have to deal with.

So I am happy to report that my own daughter will not suffer as I did. Her letter to Santa has been (proof)read and sealed and I have no doubt that in the stocking on December 25th, she will find the one thing she’s asked for…her greatest wish. A…unicorn?!

@SAIDHANRAHAN, VICTORIA

  1. Well, if you look at the letter below, perhaps the second greatest disappointment
Authentic letter from the Easter Bunny to the author, circa 1985, in no way written by the author's elder sibling, nope nuh-uh she would never do anything like that.

Authentic letter from the Easter Bunny to the author, circa 1985, in no way written by the author's elder sibling, nope nuh-uh she would never do anything like that.