ON THE TWENTY-FOURTH DAY OF CRANKVENT... BEETLE UP

Another thing you tend to find a lot of around Christmas time (in Australia, and apart from cherries) is the Christmas beetle. Yayyy beetles! These cute beetles beetle around the east coast of New South Wales and Victoria around this time of year, being all glossy and iridescent and adorable. It is a crime they have not been elevated to some kind of official Christmas-mascot status. Why not use them to decorate your tree this year? Live decorations are so hot right now. Save a giant one for the top! (It even already has wings).

The Christmas Beetle of the family Scarabaeidae, so named because it appears during December and January. It is often found "swarming on gum saplings"—see, they are natural tree decorations! Their larvae are white grubs and would probably be quite a tasty alternative to the Christmas ham. (Image stolen from The Australian National Botanic Gardens website)

The Giant (or "King") Christmas Beetle, Anoplognathus viridiaeneus. Common in bushland around Sydney and the north coast of New South Wales. Fancies eucalypts. "Where one is found you can be certain there will be others on the same tree". Not ominous at all! Image from same source as above.

ON THE TWENTIETH DAY OF CRANKVENT... WE NEED TO MOVE SOMETHING BIG

As much as we despise Northern Hemisphereans for dictating what Christmas 'is' we have to admit that logistically they have the whole thing sorted out quite well.

In northern climes, Christmas falls somewhere in the middle of the school year. The school year tends to start in September and end somewhere in June so they can send all their kiddies off to school camp for the summer, to play in poison ivy and fall out of canoes and so forth. So Christmas is a relatively peaceful blip, when carols and tinsel and fruit mince pies can be applied and appreciated at a more gentle pace. (Certainly in the US Christmas feels quite low-key after the stress of organising the perfect family Thanksgiving).

But here in the south, our summer holidays coincide with Christmas. That means we end up doing EVERYTHING all at the same time. School reports! End of year concerts! Summer holiday planning!

Clearly one or the other has to change—either we shift the school year, or we shift Christmas. Moving Christmas seems by far the easier option—and, as has been pointed out by previous correspondents, Christ was probably born in September so he mightn't mind so much if we choose another arbitrary date to celebrate his birth. Let's face it—if he was around now, all of his friends would have pissed off down to Barwon Heads for his birthday anyway. Plus, then we could Christmas-in-July for realsies. 

Write a letter to your MP today!

This woman feels faint even just thinking about all the stuff she has to get done by Christmas and has had to retire to her divan. [Lady sleeping on couch], ca. 1900. Glass lantern slide, State Library of Victoria, accession number H33823/39.

ON THE SEVENTEENTH DAY OF CRANKVENT... TOXIC NOG

A tall glass of egg nog? Don't mind if I do! A mince pie or three? Yes please! Some Christmas pud? Oh boy!

Mm-mmm, Christmas foods and their wonderful spices. Cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, more nutmeg, yes sprinkle a bit more on, go on... wait a minute. Nutmeg - the same spice that can induce nausea, dizziness, hallucinations, and a general slow-down of brain functions? Are you trying to poison me?!

OK so you'd have to take about two tablespoons of the stuff for it to have a noticeable effect, but I'm keeping an eye on you, nog-peddler... 

Not even nomming your nog from a cup carved of rhino horn will protect you from dangerous, delicious nutmeg! Mainly because the whole anti-poison rhino horn thing is a big fat fib, you idiots. Leave the rhinos alone! Cup of Rhinoceros Horn - antidote to poisons, and for fevers and leprosy. Image number L0005085, Wellcome Library, London.

ON THE THIRTEENTH DAY OF CRANKVENT... CHRISTMAS IS SPECIEST

Why do we all assume Santa is a human? What if in fact he (or she - gender issues are a matter for another time) was a creature that combined the gift selection and present-wrapping abilities of humans and the strength, endurance and magical-delivery skills of a reindeer? What if in fact Father (or Mother) Christmas is... a SANTAUR?

It's time to take off our human-centric blinkers.

Image from mcphee.com.

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CRANKVENT... THE WERETREE

God, Christmas trees are boring. Tinsel, baubles, with a star or a fairy on the top—they've been exactly the same for, like, millenia. Where's the innovation? It's time to think outside the box. 

Behold—THE WERETREE.

Let's hope Christmas doesn't fall on a full moon.

Image and devil pugs courtesy of a worshipper of Krampus.